No athlete enjoys getting benched. My son was benched in basketball. My daughter was benched in volleyball. My other daughter was benched in softball.
It happens to every athlete sooner or later.
No matter what reason the coach gives–if he even gives one–getting benched is hugely disappointing to most athletes and spirit-crushing to others.
As a parent, how can you best help your child deal with this let-down?
Acknowledge their disappointment.
It’s a big deal to them–don’t diminish that. They are embarrassed, maybe even humiliated. Their competitive spirit has been injured.
Every athlete is different, but we found with our three kids that it was best to not say anything until the sting had worn off. And then, we expressed sorrow for their disappointment, love for them, and pride in their efforts.
Pinpoint the problem.
Once they are ready to talk, help them troubleshoot the situation. Do they know why they were pulled?
Many times they do, but just don’t want to admit it. If they honestly don’t understand, it’s okay for them to calmly ask the coach.
What can your child do to change the situation?
Once they figure out why they were pulled, the next question to ask your athlete is, what can do you do to keep it from happening again? If it’s a quirky coach, there may not be a whole lot you can do. My son had a basketball coach that pulled kids off with no rhyme or reason, which totally frustrated everyone, parents, and players.
But hopefully, your child has a coach that gives a helpful answer. Armed with that info, your athlete can do the extra work that may be required for improvement.
Put up or shut up.
In other words, “If you’re not willing to do the work to change your situation, then don’t complain.” If your child knows what he needs to do and doesn’t, then he should be ready to accept the consequences of his choice.
Be willing to do the drills. If your child knows how he needs to improve and is willing to put in extra work, then do all you can to help him.
Run with him, shoot baskets with him, throw the football with him.
Help him find drills to improve his skills and then go outside and practice with him.
When my youngest, now 26, was in high school and was working on her foot speed for volleyball, I would go outside with her and blow the whistle as she ran through drills.
Sometimes I wonder if watching our athletes get benched is harder on them or us. It’s painful seeing our kids suffer the frustration. We want to make everything better.
But we can’t.
However, we can help them learn to cope with the disappointment–yet another life lesson that sports teach.
Hi, I’m Janis Meredith
Raising three children who were active sports fanatics from the age of four through college, I developed a passion for helping families raise children who fit that same sports niche! Learn more at
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